My Name is Driver

All roads lead to wherever you want them to go.

Provided you’re on the right road – and there are many of them, right and wrong, just keep going in the right direction. Don’t be distracted by side roads or possible short cuts. All roads lead to Rome, but some just lead to roam.

My surname is sometimes a reminder to myself to stay driven - however busy the traffic, whatever the state of my vehicle (or lack thereof), and however bumpy the road. AND in spite of road closures, redirections, and traffic management: forward is the only way.

I don’t need to tell you that the world has changed since the last time I left a note here. In every country, in just about every community - except those so remote that thankfully (for them) they’re not a part of the outside world community.

Anyway. Since my last update I did another play, playing neighbour Sue Bayliss in Arthur Miller’s, “All My Sons”. Another play was lined up immediately afterwards – with the first night set for 23 March 2020 – the day the UK first went into lockdown.

So that was that.

As a result, unsurprisingly, there were a lot of red lights (to continue the theme!), and not much progress made in 2020. But, we humans can be resourceful creatures, and somehow I managed to not only get a little bit of work, but the pay made up for what would have otherwise been a loss last year.

I don’t believe in karma, but it did feel like I’d been gifted by the acting gods of a week working in Rome. Okay, this was during a pandemic, in summer, in a heatwave, with 12-hour days working on the outskirts of the city in an ugly business park, and coping with ME/CFS (and not having that affect my work) – so it wasn’t the adventure it could have otherwise been. But I'm not really one to look a gift horse in the mouth. I had a wonderful view from my centrally located hotel window, and worked with lovely people, and for a lovely brand – Gucci. I even got to wear Gucci, but I was really just a tiny bit too voluptuous to wear it comfortably, unfortunately. Now, if I could do this job every season with them, Claire would be a very happy fashion bunny.

During lockdowns, we moved house. Although we lived in a horrible environment in our last place, it hasn’t improved much. We gained very little and lost a lot. What we lost, worst of all, is the convenient location we had – so that’s really had a negative effect. Anyway, that’s got little (although not nothing) to do with acting.

My health has declined a little, and I would say that the pandemic has exacerbated that because I’m going outside less, so my stamina is worse than it was. The will is as much there as ever, but the body is less cooperative.

Thus, I’ve started trying to think ahead. If it’s going to be better for me to work more from home, that’s the road I have to take. I’ve set up a home studio with the intent of moving more into doing voice work. I’ve had a little bit of experience with a few radio plays, and learned from doing them how different it is to both theatre and film work. But I’m a quick learner. I don’t yet know where my niche lies, but hopefully I’ll find a natural fit in a variety of genres - and there seems a lot of choice at this point. Practicing on my new equipment is so far inspiring optimism, but I know I need to learn more about the technical/engineering side, and this is going to be challenging. But I can’t know that it’s impossible unless I at least try. There are going to be other challenging aspects, such as securing work, getting the right voicereels, learning by experience (which obviously takes time, and a few hits to the ego!), and building a presence. But at least I can do all that from home – and Zoom, etc, make things easier for everyone – the world so far is lending itself to a way of working that helps with both my disability and my introversion!

Although acting gives me permission to be extrovert, I am a definite introvert. Whilst this helps me cope with ME/CFS better, it makes the whole networking thing with work quite problematic, and, further, marketing myself.

I used to love doing improv, but got out of the habit, and then picked it up again in recent years. I found it just as enjoyable and challenging, but with ME/CFS I feel I often don’t think – or move - as quickly as I used to. With the post-exertional malaise associated with this disability, to do improv as often as I’d like (ideally 2-3 times a week at least) is impossible. I’d never be able to do anything else, and, as it is, I don’t look after myself as well as I should – I’m supposed to pace myself. To some extent, I do, so that I can be reliable (that is paramount), but with this career and lifestyle, it’s hard to balance, and therefore a boom-and-bust effect is inevitable. I work hard and push through, but I almost always fall hard afterwards. This is why I cannot commit to doing long-term jobs, or do too much theatre. It’s a shame about the improv because it’s the actor’s equivalent of the athlete’s constant training, in my opinion. At least, for me. It keeps your mind and body quick, it nurtures your imagination, builds mental stamina, and it encourages truthfulness and openness in performance. I really believe that. The level of trust between you and fellow performers also feeds my confidence not just as a performer or creative, but as a person, too. And then there is the benefit of it being a networking opportunity.

So, as a second option, I’ve challenged myself to doing stand-up. I know I can be funny, but the idea of standing on a stage in front of a room full of people with the object of making them listen and laugh at my will is extremely daunting. It’s an audacious thing for anyone to do. I can get up and confidently act, sing a song, play records (harking back to the DJing days there), or recite something. But being me? There’s nothing to hide behind. If an audience rejects you as an actor/singer/DJ, it doesn’t necessarily mean that YOU are bad. Most of the time they know why they are there and what to expect, moreorless, and there’s usually a little bit of room for forgiveness. Beyond that, I don’t care because at least I’m enjoying what I’m doing - although I do obviously want the audience to enjoy what theyre experiencing! So it’s that, “fear” that held me back. And there lies a challenge for the taking.

Are you really living life if you’re not challenging yourself? So, here we are. I’m doing a course, so that I know how to organise my thoughts so that they can be presented in a way that’s entertaining and amusing for an audience. Again, it’s a struggle with the ME/CFS, and a different way of thinking and approaching it is necessary. It’s definitely a whole different skill to just performing, and just writing, and just being myself when I’m saying something funny off the cuff.

Who knows, maybe I’ll end up being good at it – I might even enjoy it! The plan is to do it only once. If I do it twice…? Well, we’ll see where this road ends up, eh?